Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
