I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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