woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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