And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
