Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I got her a Nickelback box set.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
