You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
