I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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