I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
