just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
