Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
