i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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