Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
