Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
