you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
