Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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