I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
