You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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