3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
