Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
