the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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