1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
