All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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