it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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