I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
