My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
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