1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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