I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
