Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
