if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
