I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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