Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
