Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Randomize
