come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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