Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
