I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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