My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
oh god was she eating orange peels again
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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