Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I puked a lego.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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