I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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