It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
