if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
either way he was missing a nipple.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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