I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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