I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
