If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
