McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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