I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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