Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
