oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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