Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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