Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
