areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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