Moan for me like Helen Keller
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
