Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Sober January is a disaster.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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