Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Why did my mother make you get naked?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
