Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
