I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
