dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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